


into the dark

by casualsaturdays



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x05 Advanced Thanatology, Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Missed Connections, Some Fluff, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualsaturdays/pseuds/casualsaturdays
Summary: Sam can feel it. He can’t say for sure what happened, but there was a shift in the air. The cold spots, the buzzing energy of ghosts trying to pierce the veil, gone in a heartbeat. He doesn’t need the EMF reader to tell him that his is the only soul left in this place.-or-When Dean kills himself to talk to the ghosts in the Meadow's house, he stays dead.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't write this intending to glamorize suicide, but it may come across this way, so don't read this if you're in a bad place.
> 
> And yes, I am referencing Death Cab For Cutie in the year 2020.

_If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied_   
_And illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs_   
_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks_   
_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

* * *

“Dean, you’re talking about killing yourself.”

“Yeah?” Dean says, preparing the syringe he dug out of the duffle bag, “Well, it worked before.”

“That’s an insane risk to take.” Exasperated, Sam desperately tries to shut this down.

“Listen, I need three minutes. Okay?”

“Don’t even… Dean!” Without hesitation, Dean plunges the needle into his chest before Sam can stop him. “Dean? Hey. Damn it. Hey, hey, hey-” Dean gasps, struggling for a few seconds before collapsing, “Dean? Dean!”

“Damn it!” Sam sets the timer on his watch.

3:00

“Idiot,” he grumbles; Dean may or may not be able to hear him, but Sam can’t be bothered by that at the moment.

Glancing at his watch.

2:40

Okay. Time for a plan, get it together, Sam. The least Sam can do is protect Dean’s body while he waits. Sam shuffles through the duffle, finding the salt, and pours it in a circle around Dean’s body, curled up on his side.

2:10

Sam grabs the second syringe, preparing it. It takes everything in him to not inject it right now, but Dean asked for 3 minutes.

“Come on, Dean. Come on.”

The seconds tick by.

Sam tries not to think about how Dean has been acting lately.

Sam tries not to think about Dean, despondent, falling to his knees beside Cas’ body.

Sam tries not to think about that fight they had, Dean angrier than Sam had seen in a long time. About all the hurt and grief and fear hidden under that anger.

Sam tries not to think about Dean saying he didn’t believe in anything. How he didn’t faith in anything anymore.

Sam tries not to think about how, just moments ago when the doctor’s ghost had Dean cornered, Dean didn’t even try to defend himself.

Sam tries not to think about what’s happening on the other side of the veil. How hard Dean had fought to get back to his body in the past. How he just didn’t have that fight in him anymore, that spark.

00:30

“Stupid.”

Sam turns Dean on his back, hand on his chest, and watches the timer, each second an eternity.

00:00

Sam’s watch beeps.

“All right.”

Sam injects the second needle.

Nothing happens.

“Dean. Dean? Hey! Dean!” Sam grabs Dean’s shoulder, shaking him, patting his chest, his back, anything to bring him back to consciousness. “Shit.”

“No, no. No, no, no, no. Dean! Hey. Can you hear me? Dean. Dean! Hey, wake up.”

Sam puts his fingers to Dean’s carotid, searching for a pulse, for a breath, for any sign of life.

Nothing.

“Hey! Dean. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

Swatting Dean’s face, shaking his shoulders, starting chest compressions.

Nothing.

“Hey. Hey! Wake up, Dean. Wake up. Hey!”

Nothing.

“No, no, no, no. Dean! Fuck! Dean, c’mon.”

Panic is replaced by dread as the reality of the situation sets in.

Sam can feel it. He can’t say for sure what happened, but there was a shift in the air. The cold spots, the buzzing energy of ghosts trying to pierce the veil, gone in a heartbeat. He doesn’t need the EMF reader to tell him that his is the only soul left in this place.

He wishes he could say this was a surprise. Dean never exactly handled grief well, but this time was different. Sam should have seen it coming – he did see it coming – but obviously he didn’t do enough to help.

Inhale. Exhale.

Wiping the tears he hadn’t noticed falling, Sam steels himself, and carries Dean’s body out of the Meadow’s house, resting him in the back seat of the Impala.

According to the clock, it’s just after noon. If he drives without stopping, Sam will be back at the bunker by midnight. Then he can go from there. Figure out what to do. But right now, he just has to drive.

The sun had just set behind him and Sam was nearing the Kansas state line when Dean’s phone started ringing. Pulling over, Sam reached back to retrieve the phone from Dean’s pocket. Jack’s contact was displayed, the phone they left him with before taking off, so Sam answered the call. But before he could get a word out, he heard a familiar voice, noticeably deeper than Jack’s, on the other end asking, “Dean?”


	2. Chapter 2

Dean woke with a start in his car.

Déjà vu.

A not-insignificant part of himself was surprised that he made it to the attic, not the basement. Pleasantly surprised, sure, but at this point he was willing to roll the dice. Clearly. He’d take the eternity of slicing and dicing over these past couple weeks any day. At least then he felt something.

But it was nice to know that he didn’t have to.

Taking in his surroundings, he recognized the bunker’s garage. Voices carried from inside the bunker, drawing Dean out of the Impala. Poking around, Dean instantly recognizes the memory as warmth washes over him.

Movie night, almost a year ago. Just after the hunt with Ramiel went wrong, when Cas…

 _No. Cas is fine here. He’s alive, he’s safe, he’s_ here _. Here with us. With me._ Dean reminds himself.

The memory up here is preferable to the reality down there anyways.

Walking into the Dean Cave, he allows himself a moment to take it all in. More popcorn and candy and beer than they could need strewn out on the coffee table. Sam in the armchair; he left halfway through the movie with an excuse that he was tired and had seen it before, but Dean certainly wasn’t going to object. Cas reclined on the couch, a space for Dean waiting next to him. A space that shrunk as the night went on and they both got more comfortable. _Tombstone_ on the flat screen – it had been Dean’s turn to pick the movie, and ~~secretly~~ he wanted to show it to Cas.

So what if he wanted to share his favorite movies and music with Cas. Dean’s dead, Cas is dead, and this isn’t real; no point in being ashamed now. Cas was his person. The only one besides Sam who he’d put before everything and anyone else. Who he gladly would kill for or die for. Brother, best friend, those labels didn’t quite fit right for what they had, but Dean didn’t have the vocabulary to describe their relationship. Even if knew every language ever spoken, Dean’s not sure the words exist to describe what they have.

Dean takes his place next to Cas, leaning in maybe a little closer than he did the first time around. For the first time in a long time, he feels at peace.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dean?”

Sam, flabbergasted, stutters for a moment before catching his train of thought. “Cas? Is that really you? How are you alive?”

“Sam? I’m sorry, I thought I called Dean’s cell. Yes, it’s me. I’m at the Bunker now with Jack. He brought me back, somehow. We’re not exactly sure how. I just wanted to check in on you and Dean.”

Sam glances in the rear-view mirror and lets out a mirthless laugh. “Yeah, uh, we’re pretty fucking far from okay.” Sam drags a hand down his face, collecting himself. “Look, I’m heading back now, I’m a few hours out. I can’t- See you soon.” Sam hangs up before Cas has a chance to respond. He wouldn’t be able to make it back in one piece if he had to go into it now, so Sam shuts that down, takes a breath, and pulls back onto the road.

He white-knuckles it the whole drive back, refusing to look in the rear-view in case he accidentally catches a glimpse of Dean back there. Of course, pulling up the Bunker’s driveway just causes more dread to set in.

Parking in the garage, Sam catches sight of Cas, anxiety plain on his face. Anxiety that morphs into horror when Sam steps out of the Impala alone. He’d guess his face is a near mirror image.

“No, Sam. What happened? What-” Cas cuts himself off when he spots the body in the back seat.

“He, uh-” Sam can’t bring himself to say the words: Dean killed himself. It’s been a near-constant loop in his head, but saying it out loud makes it too real, too permanent. “Is there anything you can do?”

Cas opens the rear passenger-side door, where Dean’s head lays. Gently resting his hand against Dean’s forehead, Cas frowns, shaking his head. He lingers a moment, frown deepening, as he appears to consider something. “He’s not physically injured, but there’s a high dose of opioids in his blood. Sam, what happened?” Cas looks up at Sam, a pleading edge on his words. Sam tries to hold his stare but can’t, looking down at his brother as he speaks.

“A ghost hunt. We couldn’t find the bodies, so,” Sam exhales shakily, “So Dean stopped his heart so he could talk to the ghosts. I-” tightening his grip on the frame of the car, the only thing keeping him upright at the moment, Sam continues, “I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t.” He can’t help the sob that escapes. “And then he just didn’t wake up.”

Biting the bullet, Sam adds, “I don’t think he wanted to wake up.”

At that, he meets Cas’ gaze, a wounded expression on both faces.

“Help me get him inside?” Sam asks quietly.


	4. Chapter 4

Jody and the girls make the drive down. Donna, too.

Together with Sam, Cas, and Jack, they give Dean a proper hunter’s funeral.

Alcohol and stories both flowing readily, they reminisce. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Claire about their mini-golf game. Donna about their friendly competition to find the best burger in the upper Midwest. Alex about Dean threatening her boyfriend (in a loving, protective way). All these facets came together to create someone who was deeply loved and who loved deeply, despite all the trauma and anguish. Someone who deserved better than his lot in life.

Sam and Cas were mostly quiet. They took in the sides of Dean that they never got to see. They weighed in occasionally, sharing here and there. But mostly, the parts of Dean that only they knew, they kept close to the chest, cherishing those memories.

When it was time, the mood shifted drastically. An uncomfortable silence settled as they gathered at the pyre. Everything that needed to be said had been said by that point. All that was left was goodbye.

Sam dropped the lighter and they watched as Dean burned.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas stayed with Sam and Jack, for the time being. He knew that, eventually, he’d return to Heaven, would be able to see Dean again. But time worked different there – Dean could wait for Cas, Jack needed him now.

Cas helped Jack learn to control his powers, while Sam taught Jack about humanity. They home-schooled him, trying to prepare Jack for anything the world may throw at him.

Once Jack and his powers were reasonably under control, Sam threw himself into his work. He spread the word to other hunters about the bunker. He offered up beds to those passing through the area. The library and research assistance to those who needed to track down arcane lore. The dungeon, if a hunter was dealing with a particularly nasty monster or demon. He gained their trust enough to take on a dispatcher role in the community, tracking patterns from the bunker and contacting hunters in the area. Jack was particularly helpful in poring through news reports to identify trends in a region.

And so, knowing that Jack could contact him as needed, and that Sam was handling the circumstances as well as could be expected, Cas returned home.

Home was never the bunker, or even Heaven, really.

Cas found his home whenever he was with Dean.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas just watched, at first.

Tried to dissect Dean’s Heaven, his happiest memory.

Gaining entry to Heaven hadn’t been the easiest thing, but the angels’ numbers are few, so ultimately Cas didn’t face much resistance.

Before he arrived, Cas was sure he would head straight for Dean, to see him again. But now? This memory stopped him in his tracks.

Cas recalled Dean’s happiest memories from the last time he was in Heaven – with his mother, with Sam. And this was his new happiest, lying on the couch with Cas, watching a cowboy movie, binging on junk food?

Cas smiled softly as he made himself visible, “Hello Dean.”

Dean appeared alarmed for a second, “Cas?” Looking between the memory version next to him and the real version standing a few feet away, settling on the real one when the memory doesn’t react, “Cas? What is this?”

“It’s me, Dean. Jack, he brought me back.”

“Well c’mere, man.” Dean rises, pulling Cas into a hug. they may not have physical bodies here, but the comforting effect it has on them both is the same as on earth. “It’s good to see you. The real you.” Pulling apart enough to see Cas’ face, hand resting on his neck, Dean continues, “I, uh- I missed you. You were gone, and I… It wasn’t the same without you.”

“Yes, Sam told me what happened,” Cas sighs, looking remorseful, “I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Dean gestures to the couch, taking a seat. With a wave, the other Cas disappears, and the real Cas sits in the now-vacant seat.

“You saw Sam, how’s he doing?”

“As well as can be expected, given…” Cas trails off, not eager to discuss Dean’s death. “He’ll be alright. There are other hunters in the bunker, and Jack, he’s helping. Sam’s not alone.”

“Good, good.” Dean looks around the room, pointedly not looking at Cas, “So what about you? Aren’t you persona non grata in Heaven? Are you going back to earth?”

“I for one think earth has had enough angelic interference this millennium.” At that, Dean makes eye contact, a hopeful look in his eyes. That’s all Cas needs, “I think I’d like to stay here, if that’s alright with you.”

Finally allowing himself to relax, Dean settles in, resting against the angel.

“Yeah, Cas. That’s more than alright.”


End file.
